Richard Goldman | Sports | Sports Commentary



	58/11/04 Lasorda, Norristown and The Devil" By Richard Goldman Recently, the Los Angeles Dodgers rocked the Baseball world when they traded fan favorite, Paul Lo Duca, to the Florida Marlins. The merits of the trade can be argued, but the shock cannot. The undersized but eternally plucky “Little Paulie” was felt by many to be the “Heart and soul” of the team. The Dodgers were three-and-a-half games up in their division, playing their best baseball in over two decades and had an unusually good team chemistry. Chemistry has not been a term associated with the Blue Crew since 1988. Trading Lo Duca seemed, well, idiotic and harkened back (with considerable hark) to the Piazza fiasco some years back. While trying to determine the “Need” for the trade and drinking heavily, the thought occurred to me; What if the Dodger’s miracle '88 World Series win, came with a price? What if aging manager, Tommy Lasorda, desperate for one last taste of glory, sold out his ball club’s future and his heritage and struck a deal with the devil? The price? Every five years the Dodgers would have to part with a popular Italian catcher who had been nurtured and brought up through their farm system. The blood of their first born kind of thing. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? How many teams have popular Italian catchers? How many teams can continually produce popular Italian catchers? However, in 1993, FIVE YEARS AFTER the '88 Series, Lasorda's Dodgers unceremoniously let go of their popular Italian catcher, Mike Scioscia. Granted, Scioscia was at the end of his run, but at the time, most people felt that he would be a “Lifer” in the organization. (Scioscia would return to the Dodgers as a coach in 1995 only to find out he was no longer needed FIVE YEARS LATER.) The Dodgers however had another young catcher brought up through the organization, an Italian kid named Piazza and in 1993 it was his time. Piazza would quickly become the greatest hitting catcher of all time and one of baseball’s top attractions for the rest of the decade. However, FIVE YEARS LATER, in 1998, for reasons still debated, the Dodgers shocked the Baseball world and traded their fine Italian meal ticket. The merits of that particular trade have long been argued (only by idiots), but again, the need for it has never been proved. That is, until now. As part of the Piazza compensation package, the Dodgers received Charles Johnson from the Florida Marlins. When Johnson’s back up got hurt, the Dodgers called up a lifetime minor leaguer from their farm system. An Italian kid named Paul Lo Duca. Johnson left after one year and Lo Duca took over the role of the popular Italian catcher. FIVE YEARS LATER, he was gone. If that all just sounds like coincidence check this out. Norristown, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philly has a population of about 30,000. Tommy Lasorda is from Norristown, Pennsylvania. Mike Piazza was born in Norristown, Pennsylvania and is Lasorda’s godson. Mike Scioscia, is from Upper Darby, Pennsylvania (a mere 15 miles from Norristown) and was personally recruited by Lasorda. And although Paul Lo Duca was born in Brooklyn, (where Lasorda pitched for the Dodgers) I’ll bet you dollars to diet supplements he has relatives in Norristown.

	While the Norristown connection is eerie, Lasorda had no apparent hand in either the Piazza or Lo Duca trade. Yet he was and still is, to this day, on the Dodger payroll with the official title of vice president of putting a good spin on things. If in fact Lasorda had made some unholy pact with the devil back in ’88 it would not be unthinkable that the dark one (The Devil, not Tommy) would make it personal. Hence, Italian and Norristown. Connecting Lasorda to the darkest forces in the universe may to Dodger fans seem like heresy, but I submit that the only way out of this Sisyphusian fiasco is for the Dodgers to cut Tommy loose in an attempt to end this ritual bloodletting. Not only have the Marlins won two World Series in six years, which is not good for Baseball and really suspicious if you ask me, but many fans have been left broken hearted. Not to mention poor Charles Johnson who keeps turning up like a bad penny. Or is that Brad Penny? Johnson was originally part of the Lo Duca deal, but he invoked a “No trade” clause in his contract, and chose to remain on the fourth place Rockies rather than play for the pennant contending Dodgers. It must have seemed like “Goundhog’s Day” to Johnson who is neither popular nor Italian. One can’t help but notice that the architect of the trade, Dodger GM and famed “Moneyball” stat geek, Paul Depodesta, seems to have an Italian name. Coincidence? Probably. But while “Depo” combs the minors for prospects with a high PICI (Popular Italian Catcher Index) all we know for sure is that as long as Lasorda maintains ties with the Dodgers, fans will maintain handkerchiefs.
	5/12/04 Letters from Tommy By Richard Goldman Game One – Western Conference Finals Lakers 97 - T’Wolves 88 Dear Foxy, I am glad that you have come back from your injury but I am sad that your shot did not come back with you. It was also possibly your worst hairstyle of the entire season. My friend Terence thinks you have become Vanessa’s NBA Ken Doll. Your hair is growing faster than a chia pet. I was sad that Coach Phil brought you in only to punish Deaven. You looked like you were playing hot potato and seemed reluctant to shoot. Was your hair in your eyes? When you come back to LA for Game Three, I can get you an appointment at Supercuts. They do a really good job. I am sorry that you can no longer guard NBA caliber players anymore. Are you growing your hair for an acting role? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Deaven, Please guard the guy with ball. Whenever you leave the guy with the ball he always scores. As you know Coach Phil does not see the sense to it either and he gets disgusted and sits you down for a quarter. When you come back in you are always tentative and less froglike. You know you don’t shoot well when you are moving towards the basket so please just spot up and guard the guy with the ball. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Coach Phil, You seem to be very vindictive lately, re: Deaven; my friend Terence thinks the uncertainty of your relationship with Jeannie has a lot to do with it. I get physically ill when you bring in Foxy. You know you are only embarrassing him and at the same time destroying Deaven’s confidence. I’m glad you gave Shaq the article about foul shooting that I sent you. I was happy when he made all those shots, but I want to warn you that the trick only works once. Be prepared for some clankers and air balls in Game Two. I’m thinking I should’ve waited before I sent it. I just panicked. When you come back to LA, I think you should take Jeannie out to a nice dinner in the marina. I like El Torritos. It’s got a great view and my dad says their Margaritas are kick-ass. I am sending you a book entitled “When Love Dies”. There are some really good messages in there that might be of some help at least through this round of the playoffs. Tommy, from Pasadena Game Two – Western Conference Finals T’Wolves Drain Lakes 89-71 To: Asst. Coach Cleamons Dear Jim, Have you seen the movie “Mutiny On The Bounty”? I was just wondering, if you could rally Tex, Kurt and Frank maybe you could seize control of the team and right the Laker ship. You may have noticed that Phil sat Kobe for the first six minutes of the fourth quarter, during which time the Lakers went from 9 points down to 18. I got physically ill watching Kareem and Slava make rapid, wrong decisions with the ball and screamed things at the TV that I now regret. I am aware that Phil is one of the greatest coaches in NBA history, but it is painfully obvious that currently he is dogged by personal problems and is no longer fit to lead the Lakers to a championship. Something needs to be done pronto! Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Diesel, I couldn’t help but notice that your performance in Game Two was somewhat “Shaq-a-daisical”. I should have written you after your excellent performance in Game One and warned you of the psychological backlash inherent in the free throw technique I passed along to Coach Phil. I was still mad at you for calling Fish’s shot lucky. I am keenly aware that your embarrassment at the foul line affects your entire game, so I will accept that some of this is “My bad”. Having said that, I watched the game with my friend Terence’s mother who was drinking heavily but still had an interesting observation about your foul shooting. She felt that because one of your eyes is not aligned properly, it affects your depth perception. Have you ever considered corrective surgery? Just a thought. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Kobe, I know how you are feeling. You cannot WIN the game if you are not IN the game. Rest assured there is a plan in the works to correct this problem. Please know that I want you to be a Laker for life and I will do everything in my power to see to it that Dr. Buss creates an environment and a contract that is to your liking. I ask of you only one thing. In the games remaining, when you go to the hoop, do not kick the ball out to Slava. He is hopeless. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Jeannie, I get the feeling that you and Phil are having a rough time right now. He seems a little scattered. At one point he only had four guys out on the floor. More often than not there are five. Four is a major screw up. I am guessing that you do not want to move to Montana and this is causing some friction between you guys. I know this is asking a lot but if you could just pretend to be cool with Montana for another three weeks, that would be great. If Phil asks you out to dinner at El Torritos in the Marina, say “Yes”. It is a very romantic spot and I have never gotten physically ill there. Tommy, from Pasadena
	5/21/04 Tommy, from Pasadena By Richard Goldman GAME FIVE – “IT’S O-FISH-AL!” LAKERS WIN! Dear Fish, I really thought you guys were finished. I got physically ill when Duncan hit his shot. Please thank The Glove for calling all those time-outs. I was able to slam dunk my dinner and still get back in time to see your shot. My friend Terence thinks you ran off the court because you had to go to the bathroom. Is that true? I’ve tried your shot on my little tykes basket and I can’t do it in under 0.6. I hope your groin is feeling better. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Shaq, When you said “One lucky shot deserves another” were you saying that Derek’s shot was lucky? That was a well executed jump shot. When you make the front end of a pair, that’s lucky! As you were saying it, you smiled. Were you were already thinking about the T-Shirt Patent? Don’t you make enough money? I got physically ill when my Dad told me how much it costs to go to your summer camp. You could have said something about Derek’s contribution to the team over the last eight years and how he really deserved to be the hero, just once; Instead you were the Big Sound Bite”. Since you are so into slogans, my friend Terence and I have come up with a few; You can have them if you want them. “One Brick Deserves Another” “The Big Punch Line” (Referring more to your rim shots), and finally my personal favorite “Next Year At The Donut Shop!” Tommy, from Pasadena GAME SIX – “LAKERS FIND MISSING GLOVE!” Dear Coach Phil, It was a really good idea to let the Lakers play in the style they are most comfortable in. Kudos to you and your coaching staff. Another big time coaching adjustment. Instead of the Triangle, you could call it the “Tri-Anything.” Now that you have noticed that this Laker team might be different than other teams you have coached before, maybe you could try calling Time-outs when they are melting down? I get physically ill when you try to let them play through it. Maybe you could be a little less Zen and a little more Now? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Vic The Brick, I listen to you on the radio all the time. My dad calls you a parasite. I am not sure what that means but if you were from Paris you would have been rooting for the Spurs; which you were not. Plus, The Brick does not sound like a French name. Is it Polish? You were right about the Lakers in Six. I would like to know “Vic’s Lock” for my final grade in Math? I get physically ill when you say “Laker fans…feelin’ youuuu”. My friend Terence says it whenever I’m drinking something and it makes me spit up. Tommy, from Pasadena

	5/12/04 More Letters from Tommy By Richard Goldman (Game Two: Spurs 95, Lakers 85) Dear Shaq, I was glad that you did not stink up game two but you have to admit your foul shooting is a joke. My friend Terence is better than you are and he is only 9 years old. I do not understand why you stand a foot behind the foul line? Isn’t it harder to shoot the further you are from the basket? I can make Terence miss by making farting noises when he is shooting. Are the Spurs making farting noises when you are shooting? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Mailman, What’s going on? I remember when you knocked out Steve Nash’s tooth with your elbow. Tony Parker has plenty of teeth. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss losing one of them. I know you are still upset over loosing your mom but I’ll bet there are dentists in France. I get physically ill watching him strut around the court after making a basket. Last night I dreamed that he was at my school and stole my Lunchables and walked away laughing. My dad said it was a metaphor but it seemed more like nightmare. Do you have nightmares? Is Tony Parker in them? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Glove, How come you never write back? The NBA gives you plenty of time between games. I know you spend a lot of time talking to reporters; in fact I got physically ill watching your interview on TV. I agree with you though that it is not all your fault. It’s really only half your fault and half Coach Phil’s for putting you in there to begin with. My Dad says you are overly defensive. Don’t you think that is ironic, Parker-wise? Tommy, from Pasadena

	Dear Tony, I am a Laker fan and I was wondering if you had ever thought of becoming a Laker? We have a rich tradition and a rich owner. I hear you are French? I like Jerry Lewis too! If you became a Laker, I could stop having nightmares about you and not get physically ill when you waltz down the lane and lob your teardrop over Shaq. Do you call it a teardrop because it makes me cry? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Coach Phil, Have you and your staff noticed that Rasho stands in front of Shaq to block the entry pass? Why not just throw the ball over his head so Shaq can dunk it? My Dad says you have lost the team and will probably not be here next year. Does that mean no more Jeannie? I think you guys are really great together and I hope you at least remain friends. Maybe Doctor Buss could give you one of the Laker girls as sort of a golden parachute? Just not the blonde one. She is my favorite. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Blonde Laker Girl, I like watching all the Laker girls but you are my favorite. You are always very cheerful even when the Lakers stink. Now that the playoffs are nationally broadcast I hardly get to see you anymore. I know you must be as sad as I am about the Lakers, but you just show it in a different way. I get physically ill, but you always remain cheerful. I admire your spirit. My dad says Laker girls come and go. I hope the Lakers do not trade you too. Tommy, from Pasadena

	(Game Three: Lakers 105, Spurs 81) Dear Chick, I know you are dead and cannot write me back but I am sending this letter to Marge so she can deliver it when she dies. I have never written to a dead person before but I think it must be like writing to Gary Payton because he never writes back either. The Lakers dominated today. Shaq played like he used to play when you were alive. I am sorry to keep mentioning that you are dead. I hope it is not a sore point. You would have yelled at the Lakers for not blowing out the Spurs earlier. I got physically ill in the second quarter when it seemed like we were letting them back in the game. Things have not been the same since you and Jerry have been gone. Jerry West did not die he just went to Memphis. I miss hearing about Marge’s pot roast but Paul Sunderland is pretty good at your job. I don’t think Marge cooks for him. I don’t know if you get the papers up in heaven so I will try to keep informed. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Doctor Buss, I really like your new hair color. It is less orange but still has a citrus feel to it. My dad says most of the Lakers will be gone next year. I would like to put in a good word for Kobe and the blonde Laker Girl. Also Tony Parker would be a good addition to the team. I think you should also keep Jack around. I like when he yells at the refs. Why does he wear sunglasses inside? Everyone knows who he is anyway. Does he have eye problems? Maybe since you are a doctor you could help him. Also, if Coach Phil has to go, please let him take your daughter Jeannie with him. I don’t think one lousy season should get in the way of true love. He did bring us three championships and I think he deserves Jeannie. They are a great couple. Tommy, from Pasadena (Game Four: Lakers 98, Spurs 90) Dear Kobe, It must be hard getting up at 4 AM. I have a hard time with 6:30. Your lawyers were pretty smart to get the court to recess early so you could fly home and catch a few winks at Staples. I hate naps. They make me more sleepy. I used to get physically ill when I had to take naps but now I will consider taking more of them. Maybe one day I will wake up from a nap and be the best basketball player alive too. Thank you for winning the game. Tommy, from Pasadena

	Dear Horry, You don’t look very happy being a Spur. Are they mean to you? I’ll bet they are very cliquey. Hedo, Manu, Rasho? Are they from Earth? Tim doesn’t seem like too much fun to hang with, and “Frenchy” is probably snooty. You must be very lonely. I miss you and wish you were still a Laker. I get physically ill when I see you wearing a Spurs uniform. You have always been my favorite non-Kobe & Shaq Laker. When you go to the hall of fame please wear a Laker jersey. Why is there an “H” in your last name if you don’t pronounce it? Ommy, from asadena Dear Deavan, I know there is a guy on the Spurs also named Deavan. Is that confusing? Do you get his mail? He spells his name...D-e-v-i-n. What's up with that? You are way better than he is, in fact; you are the best Deavan in the entire series. I hope he doesn't accidently get this letter. Tommy, from Pasadena

	5/05/04 Letters from Tommy By Richard Goldman Dear Shaq: You used to dominate, now you stink, what happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things you used to do. How are you feeling? Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! I hear you want to be a sheriff. me too! It’s more fun sitting in the front seat of a police car than the back. Tommy, from Pasadena

	Dear Mailman: You used to deliver, now you don’t, what happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things you used to do. Are you sick too? Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! I hear you like duck hunting. me too! Maybe you could help Shaq with HIS fowl shooting? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Glove: You used to give us trouble when you were with the Sonics. Now that you are a Laker you give us even more trouble. What happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things you used to do. Do they call you the glove because you always have a cold hand when you’re shooting? Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! You seem very grumpy. I can send you some of my dad’s Zoloft. It really works! Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Fish: You used to score points, now you don’t. What happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things you used to do. How’s your groin? Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! I see you on the bench a lot. Does your seat cost as much as Jack’s? That could get very expensive. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Foxy: You used to occassionly hit outside shots. Now you don’t. What Happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things you used to do. Does it make you sick too? Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! I see you in commercials a lot. Your teeth are very white. Good luck with your acting career! Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Devean: You used to have a great future ahead of you. Now you don’t. What happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things they said you would do. My dad won’t let me eat Tums. Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! When you jump for rebounds you look like a frog. I like frogs. Have you thought of jumping more often? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Slava: You used to never play. Now you play too much. What Happened? I get physically ill watching you try to do the things that other power forwards do. Do you know which one Kobe is? He’s really good! You always look like your blushing. Are you embarrassed by something? Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Coach Phil: You used to coach championship teams. Now you don’t. What Happened? I get physically ill watching the Lakers try to do what they used to do. You look like you do too. Why do you hate Kobe? He’s really good! I hear you like triangles. Me too. But your team looks more like a wreck-tangle. Sorry. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Luke: For a rookie you are a great passer, but your shots always hit the back of the rim. When I hit the back of the rim I try to shoot the next one a little shorter. You could try that or just pass the ball to Kobe. He’s really good! I have heard your dad on TV and he is really annoying. I hope he does not become a Laker announcer. Tommy, from Pasadena Dear Kobe: You are the best basketball player alive. Why does everyone hate you? MJ was a ball hog too but they didn’t hate him. I hear your trial is going well. Your defense team must be better than the Lakers’ defense. Please don’t play for the Clippers next year. They will raise their ticket prices and then I will never be able to see a game at Staples. Tommy, From Pasadena



	10/29/03 The Big "Uh-Oh" By Richard Goldman
	Florida Marlin second baseman, Luis Castillo had worn a silver neck chain over his uniform throughout the playoffs, but as he was getting set in the batter's box in the top of the fifth inning of Game Six of the World Series, the chain came unhinged. I repeat, "It" came unhinged. For no apparent reason what had been hanging around his neck was now draped over his neck. Castillo promptly removed the chain and stuffed it into his back pocket. As a Yankee fan, I sensed trouble. It was a big "Uh-oh." Historically, it will pale in comparison to Cub fan Steve Bartman's inglorious moment which produced the collective "Uh-oh" that ate Chicago. This was apparently only an uh-oh for one, although I did point it out to my two sons who were (and rightly so) pulling for the Marlins. I admit I'm a nervous fan and therefore prone to seeing these sorts of omens. Warning track fly balls scare me. A momentary zephyr being the difference between a three-run homer and just another fly ball out. An eye-
	popping defensive play by a bad fielder on the other team is also not a good sign. But when an opposing player's lucky charm falls off with the potential winning run of the World Series on second base... Fuggetaboutit!
	As Castillo stepped back in to the box there should not have been too much to worry about. There were two outs and Yankee pitcher Andy Pettitte had already made him look bad by inducing helpless swings over the top of two round house curves. Castillo's previous at-bats in the series (3 for 23) would have led one to believe that strike three was the next order of business. Instead, all hell broke loose as Castillo fouled the next Pettitte curve ball off his foot and hopped around in pain. I shot up from the couch and started nervously pacing around the room. When my oldest son dutifully inquired why I was upset, I explained that in virtually every sports movie there comes the dramatic moment when the hero's lucky charm is removed and he must rise above his misfortune and succeed on his own merits without the help of angels, lucky bats or in this case a neck chain. My son scoffed at such an idiotic notion and instead pointed out the irony of Castillo hurting himself immediately after pocketing his lucky charm. The boy had not seen "The Natural" and was unaware that physical pain is often necessary to heighten the drama.
	The worst part of the foul ball was that it caused Yankee catcher Jorge Posada to make a trip to the mound to discuss with Pettitte the merits of going with a fastball up and away. I read Pettitte's lips. He's got huge lips so it was not a difficult task. However, the Tom Foolery here was that Pettitte's fastball was the only pitch Castillo had a chance of hitting. I looked at my son and uttered "Single to right." He just shrugged. A moment later Posada crouched behind the plate and gave Pettitte the sign for a fastball, I found myself repeating the word "No." (As in the old Zombies song "Tell her No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no....") Sensing what was about to happen and frustrated that I could not prevent it, I finally blurted out "Why Luis Castillo?" As Pettitte came to a stretch position, my son replied, "Why not?" Alas, as some of you know, Castillo lined a single to right scoring Alex Gonzales from second (who did make a wonderful slide) and plated the only run the Marlins would need to win the World series. Within an instant I said "Told ya," to which my boy grudgingly replied "You were due." It's true that in the course of a game I'll make at least a dozen predictions of which maybe only three or four turn out to be accurate. In this case the boy was right, I was due and unfortunately, so was Luis Castillo. Although the story of this game will always be Josh Becket, the young Marlin hurler who pitched the game of his life, shutting-out the Yanks on five hits, what will always linger with me will be the big "Uh-oh."
	In my somber post game interview I explained that a chain coming loose for no apparent reason is not the sort of thing that happens randomly and without consequence. After the game, I took my happy Marlin fans out for ice cream. They had, after all, put up with "Nostra-Dadus" for the entire week, so I felt payback was only fair. As we approached the ice cream outlet the car in front of me got the last parking space in front. From the back seat my son chirped, "Bad omen, dad."


	10/28/03 Stickball Gone Fishin' Edition By Richard Goldman
		New York Yankees - Deep Sixed By Fish! Demand Florida Recount! Curse of the Bin-Bino? Series bridesmaids since Osama hit town.

		Chad Fox - Yanks punch out Chad & still get Gored.

		Florida Marlins - Up, Up, Up, with a fish! Win with cast working for scale.

		Josh Becket - "Rook" checkmates Yanks. Big game pitcher turns big game hunter. Hunts deer and dough in off season.

		Jack McKeon - Old Man And The Sea becomes AARP de Triumphe! Elderly skipper proves managed care works!"

		George Steinbrenner - New Mastercard Ad to have cast of thousands. .

		Ivan Rodriguez - Modern Day Kissing Bandit. Incredible Hulk look alike looks to be even greener next year.

		Derek Jeter - Game Six turns into Cap's Bobblehead Night. Genetic crossbreed of Mays and Dimaggio still Baseball's greatest asset.

		Ugueth Urbina - Unreliable closer not a member of Sierra Club. Marlin victory saves Mckeon from being "Second guethed."

		Miguel Cabrera - "Wake up Miggy! The bus is about to leave. We're playin' the Mud Hens tonight!"

		Joe Torre - How do you spell relief? W-E-A-V-E-R?

		Don Zimmer - Old man Potter squeezes out lovable Uncle Billy. Hey, Popeye! Don't forget your spinach!

		Aaron Boone - Name appropriately spelled with Double-A.

		Steve Bartman - Unlucky Cub fan inspires movie. "Where's Waldo?"

		Grady Little - Beantown fumes over Little mistake. Expels manager after "Pistol Pete" runs out of gas. Bad air day for Sox offender.

		Pedro Martinez - "Yes we have no cojones!"



	10/24/03 Hard Questions, Hard Drugs By Richard Goldman

	I think those Livitra commercials, run incessantly by Fox during the World Series, are sending a mixed message to viewers. Specially those who feel sports are tainted by the use of performance enhancing drugs. In the commercial we see a handsome 50ish looking guy throwing a football through a tire tied to a backyard rope swing. Sexual innuendoes abound as the ball PENETRATES the tire in slow motion. The guy's confident smile tells us he's once again COMPLETING HIS PASSES, back ON TOP of his game and SCORING again. His wife is all over him like a cheap suit, but in fact, hasn't this guy's performance in the sack been drug enhanced? How can Joe Sports fan, who believes drugs are ruining the games, not be conflicted by the use of drugs in his own bedroom? If a husband can not satisfy his wife without "Juicing," isn't he cheating? Shouldn't he keep the playing field level and give other guys who are playing by the rules a fair shot at satisfying his wife? The wife in the commercial is a "Looker" who not only appreciates a good spiral but also apparently doesn't mind that her husband is "Bulking Up." She is not at all perturbed that her allure alone was not enough and that Jack B. Quick needed pecker pills to "Do" her properly. But isn't Mrs. Backdoor Johnnie just turning the other cheek? On top of that, what is all this saying to the younger viewers? I assume I'm not the only one whose kids are watching the Series. Suddenly my six year old wants to see his Doctor and get some Livitra so he can throw a football better. Thanks to Rafael Palmeiro, he already thinks you take Viagra if you want to hit Home Runs. The worry here of course is that when T-Ball season starts, are we going to be seeing a lot of little stiffies out there on the diamond? Will the Pop Warner Football leagues be overrun by kids wearing oversized cups protecting drug enhanced Woodies? The pharmaceutical companies that produce these drugs need to take a long hard look at their advertising schemes. Yes, they are selling to a soft market and with the success of Viagra, Livitra is certainly facing some stiff competition, but isn't it time that advertisers recognize the potency of their not so subliminal messages.


	10/18/03 Total Buckiness By Richard Goldman
	While watching Game Seven of the ALCS between the Yankees and the Red Sox, I actually predicted Aaron Boone's eleventh inning walk off home run a half an inning before it happened. My only witness is my six year old son who of course is smart enough to know that there is greater comedy derived from denying that Daddy called the shot than there is pride in the fact that his father is prescient. That my alibi is an uncooperative witness does not bother me, because the truth is, calling the Boone-shot was like figuring out a whodunit merely a moment or so before it was actually revealed. While Boone rounded the bases I realized I should have seen this coming as early as Game Five. All the factors were in place I just had no way of actually correlating them. If as explained in "Moneyball" (A book about Oakland A's GM Billy Beane) it is possible to statistically track the random anomalies of baseball and accurately predict the future, then I think Billy's Bean(e) counters should take a serious look at a rating system that I believe can successfully pre-ordain who stands the best chance of becoming the "Unlikely Hero" of a particular post season playoff game or series. In a way it is surprising that Mr. Beane thinks that post-season baseball is all a matter of luck, merely turning on a bad hop or a wind blown fly ball. It seems to me that one of the constants in baseball is that there is a high likelihood of unlikelihood. Where a preponderance of evidence exists, there is only to find the proper correlating factors and then through trial and error fashion them into a workable rating system. Since this is the 25 year anniversary of Bucky Dent's unlikely moment I will name this system is his honor and refer to it as a particular player's "TBR" or Total Buckiness Rating. There are a number of factors that go into deciphering a player's "Total Buckiness," let's explore them. Team Profile (TP) - This rates how well a player is known among the media and the fans. For instance, Derek Jeter is likely the best known Yankee, because of this he would only get a TP rating of one. Whereas, Dave Dellucci (I think his name is Dave, and that's the point) is probably the least known of the 25 players on the Yankee playoff roster and would therefore be given a TP rating of 25. Quantifying obscurity can be a bit fuzzy but the numbers in general reflect the truth. Game Losing At Bats (GLAB) - This tracks how often a player has come to bat in the ninth inning with the game on the line and failed to either get a hit or reach base. I'm sure the stat boys already track this, it's just not well publicized. A player's GLAB rating is not meant to determine a "Choke" stat since more often than not there are no high expectations connected to unlikely heroes. It merely represents a player's tendency to be a non-factor. Dead Father Factor (DFF) - This generally refers to some kind of family distraction that is affecting a player's performance on the field. I name it this only because in the past few years an unusually large number of Yankees have suffered from Dead Father Syndrome. It has secretly been my belief that Steinbrenner has always understood the importance of this factor and has in some way been killing off Yankee family members for over a decade. A player's DFF however can apply to any family situation that has caused a player to go into a funk and in this way heighten the redemption factor when they emerge from the funk as the unlikely hero. Re; Aaron Boone whose older brother Bret was "Gellin' like a felon" in the broadcast booth for the entire championship series. The Max Factor (MF) - A player's MF can be easily determined by simply quantifying the number of "Make-Up" games they played in during the season. Now, since I would like a job in Major League Baseball I will not reveal the secret of exactly what I do with my numbers to come up a player's Total Buckiness Rating (TBA) but suffice to say when I put my working model into effect after the fact, it indeed pointed directly to Aaron Boone. Finally, I must admit as a highly verbal, okay screaming, baseball fan I have made any number of idiotic predictions that did not come true. I had predicted a first inning melee in Game Seven in which Roger Clemens would stuff a resin bag down Manny Ramirez's throat. It of course did not happen but I firmly believe there are also factors pertaining to known headcases, that when properly correlated can accurately predict these sort of events too. I'm working on it.


			iguanaking.................
	© 2003 Richard Goldman