sonofabitch

"I guess that's just the way the story goes..."

	10/2501 Had a good class. And that's about all that's good. Made a major fucking error. Told fave client that I was madly in love with her. Ooops. No surer way to get shut out totally... Fu-u-u-ck. We were being honest in emails, and I was tired of the bullshit. I was tired of the flirting and calling whatever I felt "a crush," because it was and is so much more. She emailed and asked how to deal with it. Asked how we could continue. And I laid it all out. in these words, dear reader, (she had written someting about not telling me she was dating some guy...) and I replied... "i was hesitating to ask because I guessed you were going out on a date and didn't want to torture myself with details. (although I did keep imagining you in a black cashmere top...) thank you for considering my feelings. and i did mean it when i said "have fun." i think we're doing okay in the maintaining the friendship department. i have unloaded this excess of personal feeling on the situation. i don't know if that was fair or not, but it's how i feel... i'll try to control myself. there are so many things i like about you. your humor, your unpreditableness (?), your smarts, and you are one of the sexiest women I have ever met. so. there's a lot for me to control... if you can stand being good friends with someone who also loves you, then, damn it, let's keep going. you have done a remarkably tactful job avoiding my invitations to go to shows, etc, i seriously appreciate the kindness you've shown in handling me. knowing how ridiculously persistent I am, you may have more to fend off. and i apologize for that. i have a couple of requests. i don't want to be your father. i want to be your friend. and, hopefully, i already am. And i don't want to be your girlfriend. (i had a girlfriend who asked me for advice about the wedding dress she was buying to marry someone else. i'd rather not go to that extreme) however, i do thoroughly enjoy talking to you day and night. getting personal, listening, all that good stuff. etc. i also offer you unconditional love. i've said it before, and i know i'll undoubtedly say it again, but if you ever need anything of me, just ask. you are one of those rare people i've met with whom i felt an instant kinship. somehow we're meant for each other/not meant for each other. i, too, want to be an honest and true friend. you're a remarkable person and however we stay together is fine with me." Could I have laid bare my fucking soul even more? Have i ever met such a fucking loser as myself? Honesty. What the fuck good is it? Nice guys. what the fuck good is it? Better to be an asshole who only wants pussy. Stake your claim. Piss on your turf. Act the asshole and try to get what you want. But i am such a fucking non-agressive type. and i have... feelings... And, of course, I realized what the fuck I had done only tonight. A couple of years ago, a friend of my sister confessed how much she was in love with me. She went on and on. At one point, one christmas, I found myself in st louis with this woman in the room, and I had no idea who she was. I had met her, I guess, a couple of times, but frankly, I had been more interested in her daughter. But suddenly, my parents were talking to her, as if they were her next in-laws. And everyone had this plan that we were going to get together, and I did not know who she was! Not at all. I barely remembered meeting her. and then she was sending me e-mails about butterflies and karma and I had no clue what i had slid into. And so, here, in this relationship with fave client... I mean, we actually know each other. We've worked together. Talked. But she has made it clear she wants only a great working relationship and friendship... But damn, lads, she is so... it hurts my wee brain just to think of her. But she has her life. And her past lives. And past and current boyfriends. And do I need to re-emphasize that she is twenty years younger than I am? Twenty years. That's a lot of shoes and shirts and trends and music and shit. And yet I feel like a child... Somewhere around junior high. Fuck it. just bitch slap me and make it real. Wake me the fuck up. Oh... I say I'll back off and try to be just friends. But my heart is tied to this girl. This woman. What can I say but sonofabitch. Shii-te. There was something else. Oh. had a mini-bump (design meeting) with a friend last night. She wanted to do some shots for a christmas card. Or thanksgiving or any holiday. but she's an elvis fan, so we had an elvis figure and a james bond figure. and a nun (of course). and xmas stuff. it was fun. but you know, baby, all I can think about is fave client. so what's the fucking point of this boring story? fave is setting me up to meet her yoga teacher. she wants me to get healthy. me dig it. me want to be healthy. even though there seems to be some sort of tumor growing in a rather private place. perhaps. perhaps tumor is the wrong word. a hard lump. maybe i'm just growing a second dick. or maybe, the curse of the cancer has reached the NEXT generation. Who honestly gives a shit? I've made my peace with the world. I've told the people I love that I love them. I've tried to do what good i care to. (Hymn starts here...) Oh, heck. I've just got to... and now we have to wash our hands after we get the mail? jesus fucking christ. my mail goes in the recycling bin. they will also have to wash their hands -- and i was just thinking of fave client. here's a quote. she said "i said all of those nasty things about me so you'd think i was a slut and wouldn't like me..." damn. i told her it wasn't working. ha ha. i love her so much... how frustrating is it to see someone going out with bad guys, when there is all of this love here? purty dang frustrating. and of course, it's assuming that these guys are nasty fucks. and she wants to go out with them instead of me. anyway. besides... oh yeah... she's too young... mothafuckah...